The next installment

Since we last posted we have had a few appointments with our Dr and an appointment with the clinic psychologist. Our appointments with the Dr were to go over our failed IVF cycle and to find out why he thought we weren't successful. Somewhat frustrated and despondent, we went armed with a list of questions and had a lengthy discussion with the specialist. Although Dr's never like to admit liability, our Dr felt the difficult embryo transfer may have been a factor in our failure. He suggested a Laparoscopy, Hysteroscopy, hydrotubation and endometrial biopsy with cervical dilatation if required. Given my previous endometriosis and fibroid removal there may be a few issues that need to be sorted. This surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon. I guess we feel some level of satisfaction that something is being done, but at the same time a little annoyed that these examinations weren't considered initially before proceeding to IVF. Anyway as our psychologist says 'it is what it is' and no amount of mental dissection is going to change what has happened. All we can do is wait for the next piece of information (following Monday's surgery) and work from that. We will do our best, but it is hard - probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Two Weeks On

So, we are nearly two weeks on since being dumped on our arses and whilst we are doing ok, there is still very much a feeling of an apple that's been cored. A hollowness,frustration and anger that is difficult to move on from. We have been doing loads of research into various aspects of our treatment cycle that could possibly be improved and hope to discuss this with our specialist this week. Through the course of searching I stumbled across this poem which resonated strongly with both of us and I'm sure all of us could apply it to a multitude of situations.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will 
When the road your trudging seems all up hill
 When the funds are low and the debts are high 
 and you want to smile but you can only cry 
When care is pressing you down a bit 
rest if you must, but never quit 
Life is weird with its twists and turns
 as everyone of us sometimes learns
 and many a failure turns about 
when we might have won ...had we stuck it out
 Don't give up though the pace seems slow 
You may succeed with another go 
Success is failure turned inside out
 the silver tint of the 'cloud of doubt' 
You can never tell how close you are
 it may be near when it seems so far 
So stick to the fight with your hardest hit
 Because its when things seem worse 
YOU MUST NOT QUIT.. 

However, uplifting and inspirational this verse is, I will go to my grave smiling with a gorgeous friend's text message of support ringing in my ears:

"Sorry to hear your news - that's F-k'd - I wanna go punch God for yous"

Yeah - what she said!!

MegaDrop

It has taken us til now to get to the point of feeling like we want to blog about the events of this week. Our life has been like the MegaDrop ride at the Royal Show. Slowly lifted to the sky over the past 4-6 weeks and dumped on our arse in seconds on Tuesday when we found out our first IVF cycle didn't work. We have felt physically and emotionally gutted this week. After such a physical, emotional and financial investment it bites the big one to come away with next to nothing - words do not even come close when trying to describe how we feel. We have since found out that the difficult embryo transfer may have significantly affected our chances of success. So much so that our chances of implantation may have been reduced to 10%. Kylie is furious and I am oscillating between feeling despair and anger. Of course we need to move on as we still have a goal to achieve, but I must admit that I am finding it hard to pick myself up and dust myself off given we haven't yet had the opportunity to debrief with the clinic nurses and Dr about what has happened. This hopefully will happen in the coming week or two and we will then be able to re-focus on our plan with the remaining 2 iced NewVoes. Thankyou to everyone who has offered a empathic ear and support this past week. You have all been wonderful at a time when the right words are difficult to find.