Stressed Out

Not for years have I felt as low as I have this past month. Completely disillusioned with work and outside of work, IVF and my body’s inability to become pregnant. I feel like a mouse running on a wheel unable to get off or better still unable to find my way out of one of those huge hedge mazes with dead ends every which way I turn. This past 4-6 weeks at work has been like a bad nightmare that you can’t wake up from. It has left me feeling uncomfortable every time I set foot in the building, paranoid every time someone speaks to me, stricken with anxiety every time I get in the car to drive to work. And this is on top of the stress involved with the IVF. I am drawing very near to breaking point and have recognised that we need to make some lifestyle changes and soon if we or me more to the point is going to see the year out in one piece.

 I am certain that the amount of stress and duress I have been under at work has definitely impacted negatively on our chances of success in the baby making game. Having spoken to some friends today who have been fortunate enough to get a BFP on their first IVF cycle and their approach to it all, I am convinced that the current stress associated with work for me is a major issue that needs to be addressed. My problem is I don’t know where to start. Perhaps it’s time to take a break and get some perspective as I am struggling to sort through my negative feelings towards work and the people associated with it.

 With respect to the IVF we have made the most progress in that  for this next frozen transfer we are combining acupuncture with some new drugs to aid embryo implantation. Also, if this next transfer doesn’t work then we have booked an appointment with another QFG specialist down in Brisbane for the end of November. This particular Dr is considered a bit of a cowboy in fertility circles in that he will do whatever it takes to get you pregnant and he is also a specialist in treating older women– that’s what we want!! When you are at a smorgasboard you want to try everything on offer.

Preparing for another BFN

When I last posted we were waiting to hear how our remaining 5 embryo's were doing and if they were going to make it. Unfortunately they became too fragmented and succumbed, leaving us with the 2 that were transferred and another 4 in the freezer. Since then we have been treading water waiting for the 2 week wait to be over. In that time you tend to go through phases where you feel incredibly positive that this is your time for success and then there are other times when you get that awful sinking feeling of another failure. That sinking feeling has grown over the past few days, as Friday night I started bleeding. Three days before our Beta Hcg blood test (due Monday) I have been bleeding quite heavily. This has never happened in any of our previous IVF cycles. The progesterone creams and suppositories you use twice daily are meant to stop this. Trying to remain optimistic over the weekend has been difficult as the bleeding hasn't stopped and to be honest I am not expecting good news tomorrow. 

Having been a hard worker and reasonably high achiever at school I don't handle the feeling of failure terribly well. However, IVF isn't exactly the same as preparing for an exam. My motto at school used to be that if I put in 110% then nobody (myself included) could ask anymore of me. This whole fertility thing doesn't work the same. Some of the process is out of your control, but when you come up short, the feeling of failure is just as bad if not worse than how I felt the first ballet exam I ever failed. I gave ballet away after failing that exam (the first and only exam I ever failed). I understand that struggling to have a baby doesn't quite compare with failing a ballet exam, but the devastation of not succeeding is something that I personally struggle with. Unlike the ballet this is something that we will not give up on. We cant imagine our lives without a child/children in them and to this end we will push on no matter the outcome tomorrow.

KV's Chicken Soup for the Soul

Since our last post there has been plenty and nothing much going on all at the same time. Our scan day was Monday 30/8/2010 and the indication was that there were around 9 follicles. Team QFG were happy - apparently with the flare cycle they are looking for less eggs, but better quality. However, being the high achiever that I am I was disappointed in the number. Trigger injection was 11:45pm that evening - Nanna Newell had to set her alarm as I am normally either passed out on the lounge or in bed by this time!! Tuesday was a nothing day - no needles thank god as my tummy was beginning to look like a war zone. Up early Wednesday morning 1/9/2010, had to go in to work to do ordering and pays before heading off to day surgery for egg retrieval. I was last on the list and found it hard to keep my eyes open waiting for my turn and the theatre staff gave me heaps for power napping in the holding bay when I finally got on the table. Fast track an hour or so and I come around in recovery feeling a little sore. A bit of pethidine helped with that and while I was luxuriating in the pethidine the QFG scientist paid me a visit to let me know that they got 17 eggs out and it was no wonder I was sore. A few were a little immature so they weren't expecting miracles there, but they were expecting a good fertilization rate. Thursday we get the call to say 11 had fertilized. Wow - that's a cricket team if I am the 12th man. Friday we found out that they are all still going ok and transfer would be 8am Saturday - which is a day 3 transfer. Up until now it has been the transfers that have caused the biggest problem for us - well me and my tight cervix. This time, at egg retrieval, the Dr decided to dilate the cervix in the hope that it would make transfer easier for me and the embryo's and this along with pain relief and a good dose of valium seemed to do the trick. Infact the Dr and nurses are suprised how well I am doing given the number of eggs collected. I put it down to Kylie's homemade chicken soup - chock full of the 5 food groups has helped in a speedy recovery.

Since Wednesday I haven't been doing a great deal as per Dr's orders and the little embryo's have been busy dividing and growing as per this little chart.

We have 4 that have been day 3 frozen and the remaining 5 they are watching to see how they have  progressed - more on that tomorrow when we speak to the clinic.

So at this stage we have 2 gorgeous little embryo's onboard, hopefully making themselves right at home as we post this blog update.

Psychopathic Hormonal Meltdown

Last Thursday I started the stimulating injections for our Flare IVF Cycle. This cycle the Dr has increased my dose and boy have I felt it. I have spent the last 4-5 days feeling like a crazed psychopathic recovering drug addict. I have felt completely irrational, out of control and an emotional basket case. Not sure whether I was having a break down for real, or whether it was the caffeine ban Kylie had imposed or the hormone injections. Today when my blood results came back high I had my answer - the hormone injections!! My E2 level was 2,442 - put in perspective, the last cycle my E2 level was 600. No wonder I have been crazy out of my mind. The clinic nurse reassured me I wasn't going mad, it would be the huge dose of hormones that pushed me over the edge. I am really starting to feel like I am carrying around a pair of grapefruits in my pelvis to add to the hormonal craziness. From tomorrow I have to reduce my injection dose for the rest of the week and our day 12 scan is next Monday to assess follicle number and size.

Getting Back on the Horse

Well it was only 48 hours ago we found out that our frozen embryo transfer hadn't worked. Once again we were guttered. As you do when you are at work you put on a brave face and soldier on whilst breaking your heart on the inside. As I drove home the flood gates opened and the tears finally flowed. This sux - I am starting to believe that nice guys really do come last. When do good things happen to good people? Your hear that saying all the time, well when is it our time? We have spent the last couple of days feeling sad and angry at the world waiting for day one of my period to ring the clinic to find out what happens next. So this morning I wake up and yep I have my period. Suprised to be honest as the clinic nurse said may come by the end of the week. Anyway, we give the clinic a call and find out that they can fit us in for a September 1 egg retrieval if we want. Well of course we want to push on as soon as possible, so with some rearrangement of the work roster we are locked in for Wednesday September 1st. We have an appointment with the nurses tomorrow morning to collect our stash of drugs and receive my first injection. Talk about a whirlwind 48 hours - with no time to think about what lay ahead as we begin our second fully stimulated IVF cycle.

Last One Standing

Well, we have been keeping quite low key about our latest cycle which began July 12. We were planning on not telling a soul in an attempt to maybe reduce some of the pressure of that whole perceived success and failure thing. However, it wasn't as easy as we thought especially with members of both our family's asking where we were at with everything etc - I just couldn't fib and keep a straight face so I caved first! Then we thought what the heck - we have been out there about our whole journey thus far so why start being secretive now. We are so not good at secretive.

This cycle was to be a natural frozen embryo transfer of our remaining 2 embryo's. The first half of the cycle only required the antenatal vitamins and aspirin to be taken - hence the "natural" part! Scan day was Friday July 23 and the purpose of this was to check that the uterine lining was ready (7mm thick) for an embryo to implant. Mine was only 5mm and definitely not ready. I was crushed - I really started to think - what the hell is wrong with me - I just want to be gynaecologically normal for once! The Dr reassured me it was better to work with the body and cycle on this and to come back on the Sunday for another scan to see if the lining had thickened up. Sunday's scan we got the green light - yay not all was lost we would be able to proceed with a transfer this cycle. Trigger injection was Monday night - this makes you ovulate and transfer was scheduled for Monday August 2. In the mean time the progesterone injections, pessaries, gel and tablets began to help cosy up the uterine lining even more in readiness for the little embryo to nestle in and call home. The last hurdle is the embryo thaw. There is always a 5% chance that they don't survive the thaw. You get the call from the scientist the morning of transfer to let you know if you know if there are any embryo's to proceed with transfer - it is an agonizing wait. Our call came at 9:30am and Linda said one was doing really well, the other not so well so we would definitely have 1 to transfer, possibly 2, but we wouldn't know until we got to the clinic that afternoon. So doped up on Valium to help relax everything and stop uterine contractions we arrive at the clinic to find out that our weaker embryo had succumbed - such a nice way of saying it had died. At that point you don't really have any time to mourn that loss as you have have to prepare to transfer the remaining strong embryo - pictured below. The transfer was a little painful, but much easier than our last all thanks to the surgery, cranio-sacral visceral therapy and the valium. Now we wait, take more drugs and wait and wait some more - this is affectionately known as the dreaded two week wait to get the blood test to find out if all this effort has been worthwhile. I along with every other individual trying to get pregnant would love for the human body to give us an early sign - like a flashing light or nipples turning green - the not knowing is the hardest thing to deal with in this time. All you can do is keep yourself busy (work is definitely helping out there), but it is never far from the forefront of your mind. So until August 16 - you can all wait for the news along with us.

Baking is all about preparation

Whilst we haven't been incredibly active on the blog in the past 4-6 weeks, we have been busy preparing for our next IVF cycle. The next cycle will be a natural frozen embryo transfer where there are no drugs taken in the first 2 weeks and then drug support in the luteal phase following transfer of our two remaining embryos.

Like baking a cake, making a baby can require all sorts of preparation. During the past month or so I have had a Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy which uncovered a few problems which may have reduced our chances of success. The right fallopian tube is blocked, there was some endometriosis and adhesions and the cervix was difficult to dilate up, but they got there in the end. For us the frustrating part is that this wasn't discovered earlier. The downside to being a same sex couple accessing IVF is that it is generally assumed your are fertile until proven otherwise which can be a costly exercise. We have also visited the clinic psychologist to help process how we were feeling about the failed cycle and how to mentally prepare for what happens next.  Anyhoooooo, hopefully our preparation and perseverance will provide the results we are hoping for.

In addition, we have taken the complete superstitious route and removed all things baby from the house, got ourselves a parsley plant for the boudoire (meant to help with fertility apparently) and are happy to hear of any other old wives tales which may be helpful. So now it is a matter of  pre-heating the oven while we wait for our specialist to return from a month's holiday and for my period to arrive.