Psychopathic Hormonal Meltdown

Last Thursday I started the stimulating injections for our Flare IVF Cycle. This cycle the Dr has increased my dose and boy have I felt it. I have spent the last 4-5 days feeling like a crazed psychopathic recovering drug addict. I have felt completely irrational, out of control and an emotional basket case. Not sure whether I was having a break down for real, or whether it was the caffeine ban Kylie had imposed or the hormone injections. Today when my blood results came back high I had my answer - the hormone injections!! My E2 level was 2,442 - put in perspective, the last cycle my E2 level was 600. No wonder I have been crazy out of my mind. The clinic nurse reassured me I wasn't going mad, it would be the huge dose of hormones that pushed me over the edge. I am really starting to feel like I am carrying around a pair of grapefruits in my pelvis to add to the hormonal craziness. From tomorrow I have to reduce my injection dose for the rest of the week and our day 12 scan is next Monday to assess follicle number and size.

Getting Back on the Horse

Well it was only 48 hours ago we found out that our frozen embryo transfer hadn't worked. Once again we were guttered. As you do when you are at work you put on a brave face and soldier on whilst breaking your heart on the inside. As I drove home the flood gates opened and the tears finally flowed. This sux - I am starting to believe that nice guys really do come last. When do good things happen to good people? Your hear that saying all the time, well when is it our time? We have spent the last couple of days feeling sad and angry at the world waiting for day one of my period to ring the clinic to find out what happens next. So this morning I wake up and yep I have my period. Suprised to be honest as the clinic nurse said may come by the end of the week. Anyway, we give the clinic a call and find out that they can fit us in for a September 1 egg retrieval if we want. Well of course we want to push on as soon as possible, so with some rearrangement of the work roster we are locked in for Wednesday September 1st. We have an appointment with the nurses tomorrow morning to collect our stash of drugs and receive my first injection. Talk about a whirlwind 48 hours - with no time to think about what lay ahead as we begin our second fully stimulated IVF cycle.

Last One Standing

Well, we have been keeping quite low key about our latest cycle which began July 12. We were planning on not telling a soul in an attempt to maybe reduce some of the pressure of that whole perceived success and failure thing. However, it wasn't as easy as we thought especially with members of both our family's asking where we were at with everything etc - I just couldn't fib and keep a straight face so I caved first! Then we thought what the heck - we have been out there about our whole journey thus far so why start being secretive now. We are so not good at secretive.

This cycle was to be a natural frozen embryo transfer of our remaining 2 embryo's. The first half of the cycle only required the antenatal vitamins and aspirin to be taken - hence the "natural" part! Scan day was Friday July 23 and the purpose of this was to check that the uterine lining was ready (7mm thick) for an embryo to implant. Mine was only 5mm and definitely not ready. I was crushed - I really started to think - what the hell is wrong with me - I just want to be gynaecologically normal for once! The Dr reassured me it was better to work with the body and cycle on this and to come back on the Sunday for another scan to see if the lining had thickened up. Sunday's scan we got the green light - yay not all was lost we would be able to proceed with a transfer this cycle. Trigger injection was Monday night - this makes you ovulate and transfer was scheduled for Monday August 2. In the mean time the progesterone injections, pessaries, gel and tablets began to help cosy up the uterine lining even more in readiness for the little embryo to nestle in and call home. The last hurdle is the embryo thaw. There is always a 5% chance that they don't survive the thaw. You get the call from the scientist the morning of transfer to let you know if you know if there are any embryo's to proceed with transfer - it is an agonizing wait. Our call came at 9:30am and Linda said one was doing really well, the other not so well so we would definitely have 1 to transfer, possibly 2, but we wouldn't know until we got to the clinic that afternoon. So doped up on Valium to help relax everything and stop uterine contractions we arrive at the clinic to find out that our weaker embryo had succumbed - such a nice way of saying it had died. At that point you don't really have any time to mourn that loss as you have have to prepare to transfer the remaining strong embryo - pictured below. The transfer was a little painful, but much easier than our last all thanks to the surgery, cranio-sacral visceral therapy and the valium. Now we wait, take more drugs and wait and wait some more - this is affectionately known as the dreaded two week wait to get the blood test to find out if all this effort has been worthwhile. I along with every other individual trying to get pregnant would love for the human body to give us an early sign - like a flashing light or nipples turning green - the not knowing is the hardest thing to deal with in this time. All you can do is keep yourself busy (work is definitely helping out there), but it is never far from the forefront of your mind. So until August 16 - you can all wait for the news along with us.

Baking is all about preparation

Whilst we haven't been incredibly active on the blog in the past 4-6 weeks, we have been busy preparing for our next IVF cycle. The next cycle will be a natural frozen embryo transfer where there are no drugs taken in the first 2 weeks and then drug support in the luteal phase following transfer of our two remaining embryos.

Like baking a cake, making a baby can require all sorts of preparation. During the past month or so I have had a Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy which uncovered a few problems which may have reduced our chances of success. The right fallopian tube is blocked, there was some endometriosis and adhesions and the cervix was difficult to dilate up, but they got there in the end. For us the frustrating part is that this wasn't discovered earlier. The downside to being a same sex couple accessing IVF is that it is generally assumed your are fertile until proven otherwise which can be a costly exercise. We have also visited the clinic psychologist to help process how we were feeling about the failed cycle and how to mentally prepare for what happens next.  Anyhoooooo, hopefully our preparation and perseverance will provide the results we are hoping for.

In addition, we have taken the complete superstitious route and removed all things baby from the house, got ourselves a parsley plant for the boudoire (meant to help with fertility apparently) and are happy to hear of any other old wives tales which may be helpful. So now it is a matter of  pre-heating the oven while we wait for our specialist to return from a month's holiday and for my period to arrive.

The next installment

Since we last posted we have had a few appointments with our Dr and an appointment with the clinic psychologist. Our appointments with the Dr were to go over our failed IVF cycle and to find out why he thought we weren't successful. Somewhat frustrated and despondent, we went armed with a list of questions and had a lengthy discussion with the specialist. Although Dr's never like to admit liability, our Dr felt the difficult embryo transfer may have been a factor in our failure. He suggested a Laparoscopy, Hysteroscopy, hydrotubation and endometrial biopsy with cervical dilatation if required. Given my previous endometriosis and fibroid removal there may be a few issues that need to be sorted. This surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon. I guess we feel some level of satisfaction that something is being done, but at the same time a little annoyed that these examinations weren't considered initially before proceeding to IVF. Anyway as our psychologist says 'it is what it is' and no amount of mental dissection is going to change what has happened. All we can do is wait for the next piece of information (following Monday's surgery) and work from that. We will do our best, but it is hard - probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Two Weeks On

So, we are nearly two weeks on since being dumped on our arses and whilst we are doing ok, there is still very much a feeling of an apple that's been cored. A hollowness,frustration and anger that is difficult to move on from. We have been doing loads of research into various aspects of our treatment cycle that could possibly be improved and hope to discuss this with our specialist this week. Through the course of searching I stumbled across this poem which resonated strongly with both of us and I'm sure all of us could apply it to a multitude of situations.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will 
When the road your trudging seems all up hill
 When the funds are low and the debts are high 
 and you want to smile but you can only cry 
When care is pressing you down a bit 
rest if you must, but never quit 
Life is weird with its twists and turns
 as everyone of us sometimes learns
 and many a failure turns about 
when we might have won ...had we stuck it out
 Don't give up though the pace seems slow 
You may succeed with another go 
Success is failure turned inside out
 the silver tint of the 'cloud of doubt' 
You can never tell how close you are
 it may be near when it seems so far 
So stick to the fight with your hardest hit
 Because its when things seem worse 
YOU MUST NOT QUIT.. 

However, uplifting and inspirational this verse is, I will go to my grave smiling with a gorgeous friend's text message of support ringing in my ears:

"Sorry to hear your news - that's F-k'd - I wanna go punch God for yous"

Yeah - what she said!!

MegaDrop

It has taken us til now to get to the point of feeling like we want to blog about the events of this week. Our life has been like the MegaDrop ride at the Royal Show. Slowly lifted to the sky over the past 4-6 weeks and dumped on our arse in seconds on Tuesday when we found out our first IVF cycle didn't work. We have felt physically and emotionally gutted this week. After such a physical, emotional and financial investment it bites the big one to come away with next to nothing - words do not even come close when trying to describe how we feel. We have since found out that the difficult embryo transfer may have significantly affected our chances of success. So much so that our chances of implantation may have been reduced to 10%. Kylie is furious and I am oscillating between feeling despair and anger. Of course we need to move on as we still have a goal to achieve, but I must admit that I am finding it hard to pick myself up and dust myself off given we haven't yet had the opportunity to debrief with the clinic nurses and Dr about what has happened. This hopefully will happen in the coming week or two and we will then be able to re-focus on our plan with the remaining 2 iced NewVoes. Thankyou to everyone who has offered a empathic ear and support this past week. You have all been wonderful at a time when the right words are difficult to find.