Stressed Out

Not for years have I felt as low as I have this past month. Completely disillusioned with work and outside of work, IVF and my body’s inability to become pregnant. I feel like a mouse running on a wheel unable to get off or better still unable to find my way out of one of those huge hedge mazes with dead ends every which way I turn. This past 4-6 weeks at work has been like a bad nightmare that you can’t wake up from. It has left me feeling uncomfortable every time I set foot in the building, paranoid every time someone speaks to me, stricken with anxiety every time I get in the car to drive to work. And this is on top of the stress involved with the IVF. I am drawing very near to breaking point and have recognised that we need to make some lifestyle changes and soon if we or me more to the point is going to see the year out in one piece.

 I am certain that the amount of stress and duress I have been under at work has definitely impacted negatively on our chances of success in the baby making game. Having spoken to some friends today who have been fortunate enough to get a BFP on their first IVF cycle and their approach to it all, I am convinced that the current stress associated with work for me is a major issue that needs to be addressed. My problem is I don’t know where to start. Perhaps it’s time to take a break and get some perspective as I am struggling to sort through my negative feelings towards work and the people associated with it.

 With respect to the IVF we have made the most progress in that  for this next frozen transfer we are combining acupuncture with some new drugs to aid embryo implantation. Also, if this next transfer doesn’t work then we have booked an appointment with another QFG specialist down in Brisbane for the end of November. This particular Dr is considered a bit of a cowboy in fertility circles in that he will do whatever it takes to get you pregnant and he is also a specialist in treating older women– that’s what we want!! When you are at a smorgasboard you want to try everything on offer.

Preparing for another BFN

When I last posted we were waiting to hear how our remaining 5 embryo's were doing and if they were going to make it. Unfortunately they became too fragmented and succumbed, leaving us with the 2 that were transferred and another 4 in the freezer. Since then we have been treading water waiting for the 2 week wait to be over. In that time you tend to go through phases where you feel incredibly positive that this is your time for success and then there are other times when you get that awful sinking feeling of another failure. That sinking feeling has grown over the past few days, as Friday night I started bleeding. Three days before our Beta Hcg blood test (due Monday) I have been bleeding quite heavily. This has never happened in any of our previous IVF cycles. The progesterone creams and suppositories you use twice daily are meant to stop this. Trying to remain optimistic over the weekend has been difficult as the bleeding hasn't stopped and to be honest I am not expecting good news tomorrow. 

Having been a hard worker and reasonably high achiever at school I don't handle the feeling of failure terribly well. However, IVF isn't exactly the same as preparing for an exam. My motto at school used to be that if I put in 110% then nobody (myself included) could ask anymore of me. This whole fertility thing doesn't work the same. Some of the process is out of your control, but when you come up short, the feeling of failure is just as bad if not worse than how I felt the first ballet exam I ever failed. I gave ballet away after failing that exam (the first and only exam I ever failed). I understand that struggling to have a baby doesn't quite compare with failing a ballet exam, but the devastation of not succeeding is something that I personally struggle with. Unlike the ballet this is something that we will not give up on. We cant imagine our lives without a child/children in them and to this end we will push on no matter the outcome tomorrow.

KV's Chicken Soup for the Soul

Since our last post there has been plenty and nothing much going on all at the same time. Our scan day was Monday 30/8/2010 and the indication was that there were around 9 follicles. Team QFG were happy - apparently with the flare cycle they are looking for less eggs, but better quality. However, being the high achiever that I am I was disappointed in the number. Trigger injection was 11:45pm that evening - Nanna Newell had to set her alarm as I am normally either passed out on the lounge or in bed by this time!! Tuesday was a nothing day - no needles thank god as my tummy was beginning to look like a war zone. Up early Wednesday morning 1/9/2010, had to go in to work to do ordering and pays before heading off to day surgery for egg retrieval. I was last on the list and found it hard to keep my eyes open waiting for my turn and the theatre staff gave me heaps for power napping in the holding bay when I finally got on the table. Fast track an hour or so and I come around in recovery feeling a little sore. A bit of pethidine helped with that and while I was luxuriating in the pethidine the QFG scientist paid me a visit to let me know that they got 17 eggs out and it was no wonder I was sore. A few were a little immature so they weren't expecting miracles there, but they were expecting a good fertilization rate. Thursday we get the call to say 11 had fertilized. Wow - that's a cricket team if I am the 12th man. Friday we found out that they are all still going ok and transfer would be 8am Saturday - which is a day 3 transfer. Up until now it has been the transfers that have caused the biggest problem for us - well me and my tight cervix. This time, at egg retrieval, the Dr decided to dilate the cervix in the hope that it would make transfer easier for me and the embryo's and this along with pain relief and a good dose of valium seemed to do the trick. Infact the Dr and nurses are suprised how well I am doing given the number of eggs collected. I put it down to Kylie's homemade chicken soup - chock full of the 5 food groups has helped in a speedy recovery.

Since Wednesday I haven't been doing a great deal as per Dr's orders and the little embryo's have been busy dividing and growing as per this little chart.

We have 4 that have been day 3 frozen and the remaining 5 they are watching to see how they have  progressed - more on that tomorrow when we speak to the clinic.

So at this stage we have 2 gorgeous little embryo's onboard, hopefully making themselves right at home as we post this blog update.

Psychopathic Hormonal Meltdown

Last Thursday I started the stimulating injections for our Flare IVF Cycle. This cycle the Dr has increased my dose and boy have I felt it. I have spent the last 4-5 days feeling like a crazed psychopathic recovering drug addict. I have felt completely irrational, out of control and an emotional basket case. Not sure whether I was having a break down for real, or whether it was the caffeine ban Kylie had imposed or the hormone injections. Today when my blood results came back high I had my answer - the hormone injections!! My E2 level was 2,442 - put in perspective, the last cycle my E2 level was 600. No wonder I have been crazy out of my mind. The clinic nurse reassured me I wasn't going mad, it would be the huge dose of hormones that pushed me over the edge. I am really starting to feel like I am carrying around a pair of grapefruits in my pelvis to add to the hormonal craziness. From tomorrow I have to reduce my injection dose for the rest of the week and our day 12 scan is next Monday to assess follicle number and size.

Getting Back on the Horse

Well it was only 48 hours ago we found out that our frozen embryo transfer hadn't worked. Once again we were guttered. As you do when you are at work you put on a brave face and soldier on whilst breaking your heart on the inside. As I drove home the flood gates opened and the tears finally flowed. This sux - I am starting to believe that nice guys really do come last. When do good things happen to good people? Your hear that saying all the time, well when is it our time? We have spent the last couple of days feeling sad and angry at the world waiting for day one of my period to ring the clinic to find out what happens next. So this morning I wake up and yep I have my period. Suprised to be honest as the clinic nurse said may come by the end of the week. Anyway, we give the clinic a call and find out that they can fit us in for a September 1 egg retrieval if we want. Well of course we want to push on as soon as possible, so with some rearrangement of the work roster we are locked in for Wednesday September 1st. We have an appointment with the nurses tomorrow morning to collect our stash of drugs and receive my first injection. Talk about a whirlwind 48 hours - with no time to think about what lay ahead as we begin our second fully stimulated IVF cycle.

Last One Standing

Well, we have been keeping quite low key about our latest cycle which began July 12. We were planning on not telling a soul in an attempt to maybe reduce some of the pressure of that whole perceived success and failure thing. However, it wasn't as easy as we thought especially with members of both our family's asking where we were at with everything etc - I just couldn't fib and keep a straight face so I caved first! Then we thought what the heck - we have been out there about our whole journey thus far so why start being secretive now. We are so not good at secretive.

This cycle was to be a natural frozen embryo transfer of our remaining 2 embryo's. The first half of the cycle only required the antenatal vitamins and aspirin to be taken - hence the "natural" part! Scan day was Friday July 23 and the purpose of this was to check that the uterine lining was ready (7mm thick) for an embryo to implant. Mine was only 5mm and definitely not ready. I was crushed - I really started to think - what the hell is wrong with me - I just want to be gynaecologically normal for once! The Dr reassured me it was better to work with the body and cycle on this and to come back on the Sunday for another scan to see if the lining had thickened up. Sunday's scan we got the green light - yay not all was lost we would be able to proceed with a transfer this cycle. Trigger injection was Monday night - this makes you ovulate and transfer was scheduled for Monday August 2. In the mean time the progesterone injections, pessaries, gel and tablets began to help cosy up the uterine lining even more in readiness for the little embryo to nestle in and call home. The last hurdle is the embryo thaw. There is always a 5% chance that they don't survive the thaw. You get the call from the scientist the morning of transfer to let you know if you know if there are any embryo's to proceed with transfer - it is an agonizing wait. Our call came at 9:30am and Linda said one was doing really well, the other not so well so we would definitely have 1 to transfer, possibly 2, but we wouldn't know until we got to the clinic that afternoon. So doped up on Valium to help relax everything and stop uterine contractions we arrive at the clinic to find out that our weaker embryo had succumbed - such a nice way of saying it had died. At that point you don't really have any time to mourn that loss as you have have to prepare to transfer the remaining strong embryo - pictured below. The transfer was a little painful, but much easier than our last all thanks to the surgery, cranio-sacral visceral therapy and the valium. Now we wait, take more drugs and wait and wait some more - this is affectionately known as the dreaded two week wait to get the blood test to find out if all this effort has been worthwhile. I along with every other individual trying to get pregnant would love for the human body to give us an early sign - like a flashing light or nipples turning green - the not knowing is the hardest thing to deal with in this time. All you can do is keep yourself busy (work is definitely helping out there), but it is never far from the forefront of your mind. So until August 16 - you can all wait for the news along with us.

Baking is all about preparation

Whilst we haven't been incredibly active on the blog in the past 4-6 weeks, we have been busy preparing for our next IVF cycle. The next cycle will be a natural frozen embryo transfer where there are no drugs taken in the first 2 weeks and then drug support in the luteal phase following transfer of our two remaining embryos.

Like baking a cake, making a baby can require all sorts of preparation. During the past month or so I have had a Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy which uncovered a few problems which may have reduced our chances of success. The right fallopian tube is blocked, there was some endometriosis and adhesions and the cervix was difficult to dilate up, but they got there in the end. For us the frustrating part is that this wasn't discovered earlier. The downside to being a same sex couple accessing IVF is that it is generally assumed your are fertile until proven otherwise which can be a costly exercise. We have also visited the clinic psychologist to help process how we were feeling about the failed cycle and how to mentally prepare for what happens next.  Anyhoooooo, hopefully our preparation and perseverance will provide the results we are hoping for.

In addition, we have taken the complete superstitious route and removed all things baby from the house, got ourselves a parsley plant for the boudoire (meant to help with fertility apparently) and are happy to hear of any other old wives tales which may be helpful. So now it is a matter of  pre-heating the oven while we wait for our specialist to return from a month's holiday and for my period to arrive.

The next installment

Since we last posted we have had a few appointments with our Dr and an appointment with the clinic psychologist. Our appointments with the Dr were to go over our failed IVF cycle and to find out why he thought we weren't successful. Somewhat frustrated and despondent, we went armed with a list of questions and had a lengthy discussion with the specialist. Although Dr's never like to admit liability, our Dr felt the difficult embryo transfer may have been a factor in our failure. He suggested a Laparoscopy, Hysteroscopy, hydrotubation and endometrial biopsy with cervical dilatation if required. Given my previous endometriosis and fibroid removal there may be a few issues that need to be sorted. This surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon. I guess we feel some level of satisfaction that something is being done, but at the same time a little annoyed that these examinations weren't considered initially before proceeding to IVF. Anyway as our psychologist says 'it is what it is' and no amount of mental dissection is going to change what has happened. All we can do is wait for the next piece of information (following Monday's surgery) and work from that. We will do our best, but it is hard - probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Two Weeks On

So, we are nearly two weeks on since being dumped on our arses and whilst we are doing ok, there is still very much a feeling of an apple that's been cored. A hollowness,frustration and anger that is difficult to move on from. We have been doing loads of research into various aspects of our treatment cycle that could possibly be improved and hope to discuss this with our specialist this week. Through the course of searching I stumbled across this poem which resonated strongly with both of us and I'm sure all of us could apply it to a multitude of situations.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will 
When the road your trudging seems all up hill
 When the funds are low and the debts are high 
 and you want to smile but you can only cry 
When care is pressing you down a bit 
rest if you must, but never quit 
Life is weird with its twists and turns
 as everyone of us sometimes learns
 and many a failure turns about 
when we might have won ...had we stuck it out
 Don't give up though the pace seems slow 
You may succeed with another go 
Success is failure turned inside out
 the silver tint of the 'cloud of doubt' 
You can never tell how close you are
 it may be near when it seems so far 
So stick to the fight with your hardest hit
 Because its when things seem worse 
YOU MUST NOT QUIT.. 

However, uplifting and inspirational this verse is, I will go to my grave smiling with a gorgeous friend's text message of support ringing in my ears:

"Sorry to hear your news - that's F-k'd - I wanna go punch God for yous"

Yeah - what she said!!

MegaDrop

It has taken us til now to get to the point of feeling like we want to blog about the events of this week. Our life has been like the MegaDrop ride at the Royal Show. Slowly lifted to the sky over the past 4-6 weeks and dumped on our arse in seconds on Tuesday when we found out our first IVF cycle didn't work. We have felt physically and emotionally gutted this week. After such a physical, emotional and financial investment it bites the big one to come away with next to nothing - words do not even come close when trying to describe how we feel. We have since found out that the difficult embryo transfer may have significantly affected our chances of success. So much so that our chances of implantation may have been reduced to 10%. Kylie is furious and I am oscillating between feeling despair and anger. Of course we need to move on as we still have a goal to achieve, but I must admit that I am finding it hard to pick myself up and dust myself off given we haven't yet had the opportunity to debrief with the clinic nurses and Dr about what has happened. This hopefully will happen in the coming week or two and we will then be able to re-focus on our plan with the remaining 2 iced NewVoes. Thankyou to everyone who has offered a empathic ear and support this past week. You have all been wonderful at a time when the right words are difficult to find.

Introducing Luke and Leia

Hi there folks. I had intended updating this blog within a day or 2 of Luke and Leia being transferred, but it has been a rough few days. Let's start with the transfer itself - there were a few problems passing through the cervix due to a "kink". Luke and Leia were none the wiser, but my cervix felt like it had 3 rounds with the great Cassius Clay!! After 15-20 minutes of mucking about, cervical clips and holding my butt up off the table the tiny two had found a comfy fold in my uterus. Anyway that hasn't been the worst of it!! Wednesday was the day 6 Pregnyl injection. Just as I thought I was on the mend, Thursday morning found me doubled over with cramps, vomiting and the squits. I was in so much pain I was sweating profusely and thought I was going to faint. Let me tell you, IVF is not for the faint-hearted, in fact I recall Kyvo saying she was glad it was me and not her as she would have had an ambulance on the way for her. So Thursday and the best part of Friday were spent on the couch. To add insult to injury we received a letter from the clinic saying we only had 2 Embryo's to freeze - this meant that the other 6 didn't make it. Talk about under whelmed given all the effort, but this is nature taking it's course and those 6 probably wouldn't have made it anyway. Saturday morning I felt a little brighter and of course this meant that day 9 Pregnyl injection was on the cards.The injection itself stings a little, but not too bad. It's the after effects which you wake up to the next day that bite the big one. Cramps, Nausea, unable to stand up straight due to pain and bloating!! Sunday and Monday I have not felt too flash, but tonight I have started sucking on some ice and have started to fell a little better. Couldn't come at a better time as I am due to fly to Brisbane tomorrow morning to work for the rest of the week. The positive is that there are no more needles until blood test day on Tuesday 4/5/2010. Just pessaries and cream now to keep the hormones kicking along - ah the joys of IVF hey girls!!

Well that's about the size of my stone for now. Below are some piccies of or much loved Day 5 Blastocysts and the other iced NewVoe's are in the deep freeze for now.

What a Week

I have been meaning to jump on-line and update the blog, as so much has happened. However, because so much has been happening I either haven't had time or haven't felt like it.

So let me back track a little. By blood test day 6/4 I was starting to feel quite full in the pelvis and somewhat bloated.The blood results checking my E2 levels were good so I stayed on the same dose of Gonal F which was 150iu every morning. Scan day was Tuesday 13/4 and this showed 14 mature follicles so Egg Pick Up (EPU) was scheduled for 10am Thursday 15/4. That night  (13/4) I had to have a trigger injection of Pregnyl 1500iu. Let me tell you - it stung like a Beeeartch!! On EPU day, feeling considerably bloated off  we went to Townsville Day Surgery where all the staff were fantastic. The past few days haven't exactly been a walk in the park recovering from the EPU, but survivable. I recommend a supportive, caring partner to look after you (thanks Kyvo), Panadeine, Panadeine Forte, Maxalon and a heat pack. At EPU and Embryo Transfer, you can only wash with non-perfumed soap and you are NOT to use any deoderant or perfumes, and nor is anyone you come in to contact with. Apparently the eggs, sperm and resultant embryo's are quite sensitive to these. At EPU they got 12 eggs, 8 of which have fertilized. We are thrilled - it's almost surreal to think that we have 8 potential babies. Tomorrow 20/4 is our day 5 Embryo Transfer. We are putting 2 Embryo's back to maximise the chances of conception. Fill you in on this after Luke and Leia have found their way into a comfy uterine fold. Below are some pictures of what the eggs look like post extraction, a Zygote (24hrs post fertilization) and a day 2-3 Embryo.

An Egg Hunt of a Different Kind

Where to start…..well I have been incredibly slack in updating our blog, but in my defence I have been reasonably busy with work, the start of IVF and Easter.

So, to the IVF update. Tuesday March 23^rd saw the start of the Synarel nasal spray. One puff in one nostril in the morning and one puff in the alternate nostril at night – to be administered exactly 12 hours apart. Cue the alarm!! I haven’t had too many problems with the spray to date. On a few occasions I have had a little bit of a hangover type head and the spray itself doesn’t taste that great when it runs down the back of the throat, but all in all no major drama’s. The spray is designed to stop the communication between the pituitary gland and the ovaries so that when the follicle stimulating drugs begin, it is the FSH that completely control what happens to the ovaries.

On Friday April 2 the Gonal F injections started. These are given once a day and help stimulate the ovaries to produce as many follicles (and eggs) as possible in one go. Sunday night I started to feel a little bloated and full in the pelvis – a good sign that the Gonal is doing its job in turning the normally walnut sized ovaries in to the size of oranges – lucky me!!

Today I had a blood test which tests for the Oestradiol levels in the blood. This level gives the clinic an indication of how well the ovaries are responding to the Gonal injections. We will get the results tomorrow afternoon and from these the dose of FSH is adjusted as required

The Stash

The Snort

The Jab

Babies Galore

Well it has been a while since either of us last posted on our blog. Busy - yes, not a huge amount to report - yes, slack - maybe a little!!

Anyways here I am with an update not only about where we are at with our journey, but with baby news that spans our enormous nation. Lets start with everyone else's news first (a bit more exciting than ours at this point!). January saw some very dear friends of ours welcome a gorgeous little girl in to the world. Lily was conceived on a first IVF attempt in 2009 and we have had the pleasure of spending some time with her and her Mum's this past week.

February has turned out to be "Baby Month". Friends of mine in Adelaide (Jo&Tim) had their second baby - Owen in the first week of Feb and just a few days ago Ben and Vee gave birth to a daughter Giselle. Also, friends Rachel and Glenn in Perth welcomed a boy, Taylor into their family after several difficult years of TTC and IVF (congrats guys you did it!!). However, it doesn't end there. Unexpectedly and 8 weeks early Kylie's brother and his wife delivered a small, but handsome young fellow called Jake (see below) in the wee small hours of Sunday night/Monday morning. Yep - Kylie is a first time Aunt and pretty darn chuffed about it all. The little fella has to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks so we haven't met him in person as yet, but as soon as we get the nod, a trip to Rockhampton is on the cards.

Now to our news - well we have spent the past couple of  months doing the usual day to day stuff we call life. In addition, we have visited the IVF Psychologist a few times to help prepare for the whole process which in essence began for us on Monday. I am now on the pill to help regulate my cycle and get it to fit exactly with our egg retrieval which is scheduled for April 14. Towards the end of March we will have to see the Nurses to get the nasal spray and hormone injections which will begin April 1.

In closing we would love to congratulate every one on their new arrivals and for those like us who are trying (IVF-ers in particular) -some advice passed on to us - 'live your life and oh, by the way you're doing IVF'.